Growing up and the sense of Self

Post 2 – Growing Up and the sense of Self

2^nd March 2025

I often wonder if -even the most self-aware amongst us- consciously appreciate the sum of everything that has shaped us into who we are.

We know that, to an extent, we go through life thinking, believing, behaving, acting, avoiding or perpetuating the way we do as a result of how and where we were raised and of what we experienced in our formative years. And, if you have been to therapy, you might have learnt about the intricacies of your attachment style, your conflict style or your communication skills (or lack of).

This is not an in-depth discussion about the ‘nature vs nurture’ question or about the harmful and lasting effects of neglectful or abusive parenting. I do not set out (not now) to blame my parents and my upbringing for my addictions, self-destructive behaviour or anger difficulties. I merely aim to understand.

I guess, what I am interested in, as a woman, is the overwhelming multitude of, both, inherent and artificial, subliminal and visible factors which shape the female sense of Self. And, of course, let me clarify that I do not imply that there is a universal female Self or female experience based on our biology (or is there?). I am aware that -despicably- in parts of the world women are treated as subhuman, stripped of basic human rights and devoid of dignity and of any sense of Self. I am amongst the lucky to have been born in a country where women are supposed to be (at least) legally equal to men.

Consequently, I will not risk the folly of attempting to prove or disprove the existence of a universal female consciousness, Self or experience at this point.

I can only talk about my own experience and challenge you to think about yours…

*****

One recent evening, during a dinner party, the conversation amongst my female friends turned to the topic of identity and gender and the concept of Self. One of my friends asked us what the earliest memory was that we each had of our very own Self. What that Self identified as, and what it felt like. She asked us whether we had been aware of being female and what that had meant to us.

I paused for thought. I said that I always knew I was me, and I always felt I was female. To be precise I knew I was a girl, and I was made very much aware of the difference between that and being a boy. I went back into my earliest memories of Self and remembered how I knew I was female. The familial as much as the broader environment, constantly re-enforced the female identity through its designated role. Unspoken rules and expectations, praise or shaming, judgement or reward have all been part of deeply embedded cultural and social impenetrable sets of norms and mores defining and dictating my female Self.

And therein lies an insidious enforcement of a sense of inferiority, diminished self-worth and intangible dismissal. My experience was that being a girl equalled to, somehow, being a little less. Not quite as worthy. Consequently, I felt I needed to be a little quieter and a little less visible.

I will come back to this and explain the why and how. It is a life-long process and one which I will explore in my next posts where I want to look at the shaping of a 'lesser Self' through everyday social conditioning.

But before then, I would like to invite you to ask yourselves the following:

• When did you become aware of your Self?
• Where you made aware by your surroundings of being female?
• What did it feel like?
• Did it come with expectations?
• Today, are you aware of your true Self?

Do you know who you are at your core? If you strip away your different roles which inevitably become your different selves, what are you left with?  When you strip away your various selves of mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend, wife, professional, grandmother, friend and so on and so forth, who are YOU?

I confess that I do not know who my true self is. In all honesty, I do not think I have found the real me yet…In all my multiple roles and selves I don’t know who my core self is.

And even though it scares me, I am on a mission to find out and I hope that in the process I might help others to do the same…

TBC…